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<title>Nandor the Relentless: Conqueror of Ghouls by certified_swamp_witch, doyoushipwhoiship, enter_the_gloaming, Jay_the_bird, ReinaZanahoria, singing_to_shipwreck, walkwithursus</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24427792">Nandor the Relentless: Conqueror of Ghouls</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/certified_swamp_witch/pseuds/certified_swamp_witch'>certified_swamp_witch</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/doyoushipwhoiship/pseuds/doyoushipwhoiship'>doyoushipwhoiship</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/enter_the_gloaming/pseuds/enter_the_gloaming'>enter_the_gloaming</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_the_bird/pseuds/Jay_the_bird'>Jay_the_bird</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReinaZanahoria/pseuds/ReinaZanahoria'>ReinaZanahoria</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/singing_to_shipwreck/pseuds/singing_to_shipwreck'>singing_to_shipwreck</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkwithursus/pseuds/walkwithursus'>walkwithursus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nandor Relentlessly Conquers it All [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>What We Do in the Shadows (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, First Dates, Fluff, Jealous Nandor, M/M, Round Robin, Sexual Humor, Vomiting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:34:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,097</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24427792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/certified_swamp_witch/pseuds/certified_swamp_witch, https://archiveofourown.org/users/doyoushipwhoiship/pseuds/doyoushipwhoiship, https://archiveofourown.org/users/enter_the_gloaming/pseuds/enter_the_gloaming, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_the_bird/pseuds/Jay_the_bird, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReinaZanahoria/pseuds/ReinaZanahoria, https://archiveofourown.org/users/singing_to_shipwreck/pseuds/singing_to_shipwreck, https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkwithursus/pseuds/walkwithursus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Guillermo has both the best and worst date of his life in an abandoned Circuit City parking lot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Guillermo/Miguel (OC), Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nandor Relentlessly Conquers it All [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764052</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>241</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nandor the Relentless: Conqueror of Ghouls</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Well folks, we’ve done it again. Bringing you that piping hot crack fresh off the stove. This is a direct sequel to Nandor the Relentless: Conqueror of Germs, so we recommend you read that first before proceeding!<br/>Alternate title: Nandor the Relentless and the Ill-Suited Suitor</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things around the house piled up while Guillermo was out of commission. Chores, bodies, you name it. It was all there to be dealt with once he was back on his feet. </p><p>The small, naive part of him that had survived despite the last eleven years of servitude had hoped things might be different after he recovered from the flu. He vaguely remembered Nandor caring for him through it all, but he still wasn’t sure if it had been real or just a fever dream. At the very least, he hoped the sensation of being dropped like a sack of potatoes was merely a byproduct of his feverish mind. </p><p>It wasn’t until he noticed the stockpile of Motrin, Clorox spray, and chicken noodle soup that the foggy memories wafted back to him. So, his Master had really nursed him back to health. Had he really spent the day with him, sleeping close together on his tiny twin bed? He wished he could have asked the camera crew to roll back the footage, but alas, there had been no one filming that weekend. Guillermo was left only with his vague memories for evidence.</p><p>It would be yet another week before he felt truly well enough to go back to his normal routine. Nandor, for his part, complained the entire time, but surprisingly didn’t push him into more work than he was able to handle. </p><p>“Master,” Guillermo said one evening as he dusted Nandor’s room. “I noticed that, well, the money dish looks untouched.”</p><p>“So?” Nandor reclined on his fancy couch, studying an ancient map. </p><p>“All those things from CVS—”</p><p>“VCS,” Nandor interrupted.</p><p>“CVS,” Guillermo repeated with an exasperated sigh. “It’s CVS. It says ‘CVS’ right on the bags!”</p><p>“Is this going to become another argument like the one we had at the Body and Bath Corporation?”</p><p>“...Bath and Body Works,” Guillermo grumbled under his breath. </p><p>“What was that, Guillermo?”</p><p>“Nothing, Master,” Guillermo quickly replied. </p><p>“Good. Your tone is sounding highly disrespectful right now, and I don’t want to have to award you another demerit point. You received several of those while you were ill.”</p><p>“What?” Guillermo asked. Somehow the addition of new demerit points hadn’t made it into his recollections of the night he was sick. He frowned, eyeing Nandor warily. “You gave me several demerit points when I had a fever? I barely even remember what I did!” </p><p>“You wouldn’t support me in my plans to pillage the VCS for one,” Nandor sulked, “and I was forced to touch your leaking human body on several occasions.”</p><p>At that, Guillermo’s brain came to a screeching halt. Nandor was actually admitting to touching him? Had he woken up in an alternate universe? “What did you say, Master?”</p><p>“Well, you kept passing out and shaking like a half-drowned rodent. It was very inconvenient for me, Guillermo!”</p><p>“I was <i>sick,</i> Master,” Guillermo countered. “Besides, you didn’t have to take care of me. I’ve been sick before.”</p><p>Pointing a pale finger at Guillermo, Nandor snapped, “You are lucky I knew exactly how to heal you without any help!”</p><p>“Actually,” intoned an irritatingly familiar voice from just outside the doorway.</p><p>“Fucking guy!” </p><p>“Go away, Colin Robinson,” Guillermo pleaded. This conversation was draining enough without the presence of the energy vampire. </p><p>“Well that’s just rude,” Colin Robinson scoffed, turning away. </p><p>“Enough of this conversation about your disgusting, leaking body, Guillermo!”</p><p>“Speaking of disgusting and leaky, all those soup cans—”</p><p>“Yes? What about the Campy Bell’s?”</p><p>Guillermo couldn’t find it within himself to correct Nandor. “—and the disinfectant and the Motrin. How did you pay for it?” He was afraid of the answer. The last thing he needed right now was to be outside digging another frosty grave (like the one he’d dug for the ex-Circuit City security guard last week).</p><p>“The Human John gave them to me,” Nandor beamed.</p><p>“He just… gave them to you?” Guillermo asked incredulously. He also had several questions about the name ‘Human John’, but decided he’d better focus on one issue at a time. </p><p>“Yes. On top of the house. But they aren’t <i>really</i> on top of the house.”</p><p>Guillermo gritted his teeth, fighting back a smart remark about knowing what ‘on the house’ meant. “But, Master, that was over $100 worth of stuff!”</p><p>“$136.54,” Nandor said with perfect recall. Who had a Swiss cheese brain now, eh?!</p><p>Guillermo gaped at his master. He knew Nandor. He knew Nandor’s skills at hypnosis were weak at best (though he’d never admit that aloud). So did this ‘Human John’, whatever that meant, just simply give over the items? Did Nandor <i>threaten</i> him into giving over the items?</p><p>“But, now that I think about it, Human John did tell me not to mention this to anyone, so maybe we shouldn’t be having this conversation,” Nandor mused. </p><p>Guillermo made a mental note to return the unused items. “This John—” </p><p>“Human John.” </p><p>“Okay. This Human John. Was he the manager of the...” he gritted his teeth. “Of the VCS?” </p><p>“No. No, I don’t think so. He was only a teenager. A delicious, virgin teenager at that.” Nandor raised a finger in the air. “Very tempting, other than all of the pustules on his face. <i>Yeesh</i>. But I didn’t eat him,” he said, looking like an exceptionally proud dog who didn’t tear up the walls after being left alone for five minutes.</p><p>Guillermo bit back the instinct to pat him on the head. As tempting as the idea was, he wasn’t prepared to lose an arm. “That was nice of you, Master,” he settled on instead. </p><p>“Thank you,” Nandor grinned, then quickly schooled his features into a neutral expression. Were the worms in Guillermo’s soup somehow catching? They would explain the sudden flutter in his stomach at Guillermo’s praise. </p><p>“But maybe it might be for the best if we pay for the stuff you got?” Guillermo said gently, as though he was explaining the idea of bedtime to a toddler rather than talking to a 758-year-old creature of the night. “If Human John was only a cashier, he might get in trouble with his boss for giving away merchandise.” </p><p>“Oh,” Nandor remarked. He hadn’t thought of that. “I hadn’t thought of that.” His face brightened. “Does this mean you are coming with me to pillage the VCS?”</p><p>“No, no pillaging, Master.” Guillermo turned his head to hide his smile.</p><p>Nandor frowned and crossed his arms. “Well, that’s no fun,” he whined. “I was really looking forward to pillaging them and taking all of their goods. I saw this miniature bathtub for feet in there, and I really wanted to have it.” </p><p>What an odd thing for a vampire to want, Guillermo mused. “You could always just buy it, Master.”</p><p>That’s right. He had money, which he kept in the money dish. “Ah, yes! With the money from the money dish! The money dish money. Well go on, Guillermo,” he waved his hand lazily. “Go and get it.”</p><p>Guillermo chose not to point out that the money dish was lying on the table right next to Nandor, and instead crossed the room to gather the money. </p><p>“Alright, well, I’ll be back in a bit,” Guillermo said softly, putting the money into his pocket. </p><p>“Okay then, bye-bye,” Nandor said, refocusing his attention on the upside down map in his hands.</p><p>“Bye-bye,” Guillermo echoed, shrugging on his jacket. “Have fun with your map,” he added, somewhat sadly. He had almost expected Nandor to want to join him. If nothing else, running errands was considerably less dull with Nandor around to harass innocent clerks.</p><p>Sometime later, Guillermo sat alone on the city bus, staring out at the night, when a sudden shriek sounded from a few rows back. The characteristic flap of bat wings and the whoosh of a cloak settled next to him. </p><p>“You will forget what you just saw,” Nandor waved his hand at the other lone passenger, who had quickly moved on and was now engrossed in their phone. They had seen lots of strange things on Staten Island public transport, including bats, and it was easier just to look away sometimes. </p><p>“Did you see how effortlessly I hypnotized that human person, Guillermo?” Nandor whispered mischievously.</p><p>“Yes, good job, Master,” Guillermo whispered back excitedly, giving him a thumbs up.</p><p>“Thank you,” Nandor preened. The worms squirmed again in his stomach. He remembered reading about a pill for dogs to take care of worms, especially those infecting the heart. Maybe he should ask Guillermo to look into it.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Guillermo asked. “I thought you were looking at your map.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I told you this, Guillermo, but it is possible that Human John is the reincarnation of my beloved horse, John.”</p><p>Guillermo winced slightly. John was such a common name, a fact clearly lost on his master.</p><p>“I wanted to see him again,” Nandor finished quietly.</p><p>“Oh,” Guillermo replied flatly. He wasn’t jealous of Nandor turning his attention to some random cashier at CVS. That would be just <i>ridiculous.</i></p><p>Nandor had arrived just in time; the next stop would drop them off right in front of the CVS. Guillermo pulled the tape to request a stop at Page Street, and together he and Nandor exited the city bus. The novelty of walking side by side with his master still hadn’t worn off after eleven years, and even now Guillermo found Nandor’s dark hair, broad form, and elaborately embroidered cloak very impressive.
</p><p>
They paused outside the door, Guillermo awkwardly trying to get the cashier’s attention.
</p><p>“Hello Human John!” Nandor called excitedly. Well, that would certainly garner attention. “It is me again! From the other night! I am the one that you gave the goods to on top of the house, which you told me not to mention…” he trailed off with a wince. “Could you invite us in, please?”
</p><p>Guillermo was almost positive he saw the cashier mouth the words ‘Oh no.’ 
</p><p>“Technically I can go in without being invited, Master,” Guillermo mumbled, but politely waited for the invitation.
</p><p>John gestured for them to wait with a pointed finger and picked up the telephone behind the counter. He spoke into it for a few seconds before placing it back down on the receiver. Guillermo’s scalp prickled with anxiety. That probably wasn’t a good sign. Perhaps he should just toss the bags and run.
</p><p>“Okay, come in,” Human John announced warily.
</p><p>“Oh, goody!” Nandor said excitedly, first pulling, then pushing on the door. “After me, Guillermo,” he ordered, pretending like he didn’t just try to pull a door open that clearly said PUSH. He knew how to read!
</p><p>Nandor led the way over to the cash register, Guillermo in tow with the bags. 
</p><p>“Uh, hi,” Guillermo said, hefting the bags onto the counter. “We’re here to—”
</p><p>“Hello again, Human John,” Nandor cut him off. “Do you remember me?” 
</p><p> “Yes,” the teen said warily, eyeing Nandor as though he were a bomb that might go off at any moment. “It’s only been a week.”
</p><p>“So long!” sighed Nandor.
</p><p>Their reunion was quickly interrupted by a deep voice from behind. “Can I help you, gentlemen?”
</p><p>Guillermo turned and gasped. This newly arrived man looked… well, he looked like Antonio Banderas as Armand, only wearing a polo shirt and khakis! He was a vision in a cheap polyester CVS uniform. Guillermo smiled shyly. “Hi,” he said weakly.
</p><p>Nandor bristled at this strange man. Something about him was off; he could tell. 
</p><p>“My name is Miguel. I’m the manager here. What seems to be the problem tonight?” Guillermo decided it had to be illegal to look and sound that good.
</p><p>Nandor puffed out his chest, like a cat trying to look big and intimidating. “I Nandor the Relentless, Immortal Warrior, demand complete and total reparations for the defective wares I was given last week.” 
</p><p>“No, no,” Guillermo interrupted, cheeks flushed and heart thumping in his chest. “We’re just here to return some items.” </p><p>“Oh, you must be the familiar-boyfriend, then,” Human John remarked, eyeing Guillermo up and down. This cute, sweater-clad man didn’t look like a role-playing weirdo, but maybe that was part of their strange fantasy? </p><p>Guillermo made a face. “No, I’m not… He’s not my...” He chuckled nervously, eyes darting to Miguel. “We aren’t dating... We’re not… That’s not what this is. I am single. Very, very single.” </p><p>Nandor crushed the magazine he was examining in his fist. “He is <i>my</i>—”</p><p>“Assistant,” Guillermo cut in. “He’s—I’m his personal assistant. Nothing else,” he said, fluttering his eyelashes at Miguel.</p><p>Nandor frowned. Was there something wrong with Guillermo? He was blinking so much, and the sound of his heart thudding was deafeningly loud. Was he sick again? Guillermo smiled, then, something flashing in his eyes, and it suddenly dawned on Nandor. Was this what the humans called flirting? How audacious for Guillermo to be mingling with this My-ghoul man right in front of him and Human John! The magazine fell to the ground in tatters. No one noticed Nandor as he glowered daggers at this highly suspicious My-ghoul.</p><p>“I see,” Miguel smiled, flashing perfect white teeth in Guillermo’s direction. “Well, I’m sure I can help you with <i>whatever</i> you may need.”</p><p>Guillermo swallowed audibly and pointed to the bags. “I just need to return these items.” He cursed himself inwardly for being so awkward. </p><p>“No problem. Do you have a receipt?”</p><p>“Um…” Guillermo glanced around, nervously floundering for an explanation.</p><p>“This is the guy I told you about,” Human John interrupted, addressing Miguel directly and inclining his head toward Nandor. “You know, the one who <i>stoleallthemerchandise</i>…?”</p><p>“LIES-ALL!” Nandor snarled, banging a fist on the counter. A rack of tiny chocolates tumbled over and he quickly put them back, sparing a guilty glance at Guillermo. “You <i>gave</i> those items to me! On top of the house!” He sent a betrayed look to Human John. He was regretting not eating him with every passing minute. </p><p>“Whoa, whoa, let’s everybody just calm down, here,” said Miguel, his deep, rumbling voice cutting through Nandor’s rant.</p><p>“Good idea,” Guillermo breathed dreamily before catching himself. “I mean...  Good idea,” he repeated in a more normal tone of voice.</p><p>Nandor bared his fangs at Miguel, but said nothing. Miguel simply winked at him, though none of the others caught it. Nandor scratched a long mark into the counter in his fury.</p><p>“So, um, I’ve brought back everything we didn’t use, and I have money to pay for the rest,” Guillermo explained. </p><p>“Do we still have the transaction history on the register?” Miguel asked Human John. </p><p>Human John nodded, hitting a series of buttons on the keyboard. “Yeah, we should. It was Saturday night, so… yup, there we go. $136.54.”</p><p>Human John began unbagging the items, stacking them neatly on top of one another. “It looks like we’re missing one box of Motrin, one can of chicken noodle soup, and three bottles of Clorox.”</p><p>“Yes, I’ll pay for all of that,” Guillermo said, fumbling in his pockets for his wallet.</p><p>Miguel joined John behind the counter and swapped his place at the register. “Very good. I’ll simply need to see your license to process the return and then you’ll be fine,” Miguel said, emphasizing his last word with an appreciative look up and down Guillermo’s body.</p><p>“Okay,” Guillermo sighed. “Great. Thank you so much.” He smiled brightly at Miguel as he first dropped, then handed over his license with a shaky hand.  </p><p>“Guillermo,” Miguel read aloud, pronouncing his name perfectly. Guillermo felt his knees buckle at the beautifully rolled inflection. <i>“Encantado.” </i></p><p>“<i>Mu-muchas gracias,”</i> Guillermo stammered awkwardly, his face now a brilliant shade of red.</p><p>“I assume you’re feeling better now, Guillermo?” Miguel asked, typing a few numbers into the register and waiting as they processed.</p><p>“He’s fine,” Nandor snapped, feeling very distrustful of My-ghoul.</p><p>Miguel turned to Guillermo with a smirk. “¿<i>Tu jefe está muy sensitivo, no?</i>”</p><p>Guillermo’s face lit up with a smile.<i> “Sí,” </i>he laughed.</p><p>First all of the blinking and the quick heart beating, and now they were speaking in tongues to each other! Nandor growled, “I’ve had enough of this. I’ll see you back at the house, Guillermo.” Nandor too tried to capture that little tongue rolling sound, but his teeth wouldn’t allow him. He frowned in frustration before leaving the store in a rage.</p><p>Guillermo didn’t even bother to watch him go, too enamored with Miguel. This was like his most indulgent self-insert fanfiction come to life. </p><p>Miguel made a note of the license and processed the return before ringing up the items Guillermo had actually used. As he handed Guillermo his receipt, their hands brushed. At the bottom of the receipt, Miguel had written down a phone number.</p><p>
  <i>“Llámame, si quieres pasar un buen tiempo.”  </i>
</p><p>Guillermo squeaked out a reply and turned to leave. He bumped into a display of cheap sunglasses on his way out, and a few pairs fell off and went skittering across the linoleum floor. Blushing furiously, Guillermo dove down and replaced them before darting out the door into the night.</p><p>Back at the house, Nandor was fuming. How dare Guillermo act in such a way! Making the eyes at that horrible little manager man. He paced up and down the length of his room, imagining all manner of things. <i>“Sure, I’ll quit being Nandor’s familiar,”</i> Fantasy Guillermo cooed at Miguel. <i>“I’ll come and live with you instead. I know we just met and Nandor has been my master for over eleven years, but you’re just so handsome and the way you speak in tongues really moves me. I don’t even care that you reek of dead things.” </i></p><p>Nandor frowned. Normal human people didn’t usually smell like death, unless they were dead. Something was very, very wrong. </p><p>The front door opened and Nandor listened as Guillermo shuffled into the house. His heart was still beating a little too fast for Nandor’s liking. “Guillermo!” he called. </p><p>“Yes, Master?” Guillermo replied, appearing in the doorway of Nandor’s crypt. He had a dreamy, far-off look on his face, and he was clutching a piece of paper in his hand.</p><p>“What took you so long? You should have been back ages ago.” </p><p>“You left me, so I had to take the bus.” Guillermo said defensively. “It was fifteen minutes late.”</p><p>“That is no excuse.”</p><p>Guillermo frowned. "Sorry, Master."</p><p>"That’s alright. But I did not appreciate the way you spoke to that My-ghoul man! You ignored me completely, and it was very disrespectful. I do not like him.” </p><p>“Why?” Guillermo folded his arms across his chest. “He was perfectly charming,” he tilted his head and stared dreamily up at nothing.</p><p><i>“Yeeech.”</i> Nandor was suspicious of My-ghoul. “I am very suspicious of My-ghoul.”</p><p>This broke Guillermo from his trance. <i>“Miguel,”</i> he corrected automatically. “And of what?”</p><p>“A ghoul.” Nandor flashed his fangs irritatedly. “But what is…<i>Miguel</i>?”</p><p>“His<i> name.</i> In English it would be ‘Mike.’”</p><p>"Fucking Mike," Nandor hissed. </p><p>This gained the attention of Nadja and Laszlo, who were coming down the stairs from yet another spirited bout of lovemaking. Fortunately, Laszlo had remembered to redress this time, sparing them all a glimpse of the one part of his anatomy that had been ravaged by leprosy.</p><p>“Did someone say Mike?” Nadja asked, popping her head into the room. </p><p>Laszlo was instantly on the alert. “Mike? Who’s talking about Fucking Mike?”</p><p>“No,” Nandor quickly corrected. “Not <i>that </i>Fucking Mike. The Other Fucking Mike. The fucking Mike who is turning Guillermo into some...some...” Nandor grappled for an insult.</p><p>“Bloody stupid donkey?” Nadja offered.</p><p>“Nadja!" Nandor scolded. "Guillermo is my familiar. Only I may insult him," he said, pointing to first Guillermo, then himself.</p><p>Nadja hissed in response.</p><p>"Guillermo, this other fucking Mike is turning you into a bloody stupid donkey."</p><p>"Wow," Guillermo muttered.</p><p>“Hold on a second. I don’t know who the hell you’re talking about, but Fucking Mike is Fucking Mike,” Laszlo stated.</p><p>“Who’s fucking Mike?” Colin Robinson asked, making a sudden appearance.</p><p>“NO ONE IS FUCKING MIKE!” Nandor roared. “Least of all Guillermo,” he added, glaring at his familiar.</p><p>"Guillermo's fucking Mike?" Colin questioned, eyes flashing with glee. “You know, that reminds me, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to plan another orgy, since the one last year was such a disaster.” </p><p>Nadja hissed at Colin, the sting of the failed orgy still fresh. Laszlo was suddenly very tempted to slip into his sweatpants and roleplay as a depressed man.</p><p>Guillermo looked as if he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole, like one of the corpse-filled sinkholes out in the front yard. “His name is Miguel,” he protested weakly.</p><p>“No, his name is Mike,” Laszlo insisted. “And you’ve never met him.”</p><p>“You don’t even know what this is about!” yelled Nandor. “We were trying to return the human soups to Human John at the VCS, but Human John got his manager, a <i>ghoul,</i> to help us instead.”</p><p>“A ghoul!?” shrieked Nadja.</p><p>“Those fellows are bad news,” Laszlo said. “Worse than boggarts. Damned Celtic menace." Laszlo shuddered. "You'd best be careful or the house will be crawling with them.”</p><p>“He isn’t a ghoul.” Guillermo clenched his fists at his sides, the CVS receipt crumpling into a little ball. His frustration was mounting with every passing second.</p><p>“How would you know, Gizmo? Have you ever met one?”</p><p>“I don’t want the house infested with ghouls,” wailed Nadja. “I am blaming Guillermo if I wake up tomorrow evening and the place is covered in corpse-eaters.”</p><p>“That’s not going to happen,” Guillermo cut in. “This was just a normal human guy who works at a pharmacy.” Nandor’s mannerisms were rubbing off on him.</p><p>“Aha!” Nadja pointed. “Pharmacies are the most common place of employment for ghouls. They use it to track down humans who are soon to be dead so that they can eat their bodies.”</p><p>“Oh,” Nandor said. “I hope Human John isn’t a ghoul, too.” He reflected on his interactions with Human John and decided he didn’t smell like death. Just hormones and too much cheap body spray.</p><p>“I would have thought grave digging would be a better choice if they eat dead people,” Guillermo offered.</p><p>“Hey, don’t insult the noble profession of grave digging!” Laszlo bristled. “I’ve bumped uglies with many a randy gravedigger in my day, and let me tell you, they are some of the finest love-makers around.” Nadja nodded her agreement. </p><p>“I dig graves for you all the time and never get any respect,” Guillermo muttered under his breath.</p><p>“What was that?” Laszlo asked with a glare. </p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p>“In some cultures, gravediggers were often family members of the deceased," Colin Robinson chimed in. "The Latin word <i>fossorius</i> means—”</p><p>"Shut up, Colin Robinson," said Nadja and Laszlo in unison. </p><p>“I’ve honestly forgotten what started all this,” Laszlo muttered.</p><p>“I haven’t,” said Nandor, pointing an accusatory finger at his familiar. “Guillermo has attracted the attention of a ghoul named Mike, and now we are all in grave danger!”</p><p>Guillermo shook his head. "His name is Miguel and he is not a ghoul!" he insisted, his voice rising with every word. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself so as not to overstep. “And he doesn’t pose a threat to any of you. He’s not going to come here.”</p><p>“That’s right,” said Nandor. “Because you are forbidden from seeing him again. I forbid it. There, it is done; you are forbidden,” he said with a commanding sweep of his arm.</p><p>Guillermo clenched his teeth. What was he supposed to say to that? It was a direct order, one of the clearest Nandor had ever given. His face grew very warm as the vampires in the room waited expectantly for his response. Guillermo was determined not to give them the satisfaction. </p><p>"I have to go… Dust. The thing that needs dusting." </p><p>“Good,” Nandor said somewhat petulantly. “You go do that.”</p><p>“I will,” he said, and with that, Guillermo turned on his heel and left the room. </p><p>Later, alone in the safety of his own closet bedroom, Guillermo took a deep breath and unfurled the receipt he had crumpled in his fist. He had spent half the night debating whether or not to just throw the thing away and be done with it, but a small, defiant voice in the back of his head had prevented him from doing so.</p><p>No one had ever given him their number before. No one had ever <i>flirted</i> with him before, if that was indeed what Miguel had been doing. It felt… well, <i>nice.</i> Nice to be noticed for once, to be admired and appreciated in a way that he normally wasn’t. </p><p>Guillermo stared at Miguel’s number a minute longer before reaching for his cell phone. Nandor hadn’t said anything about talking to the man, just seeing him. Surely texting didn't go against Nandor's wishes. Guillermo clamped down the sudden rush of guilt and shame as he quickly typed in Miguel’s number.</p><p><i>Hi, this is Guillermo. From the store?</i> He typed, debating whether or not he should add an emoji or two or six. His thumb momentarily hovered over the send button before tapping it decisively. This was probably a bad idea. Guillermo set his phone down on the table and took another deep breath. </p><p>Seconds later, the phone buzzed, and he dove for it. </p><p>
  <i>Good morning. I wasn’t sure whether or not I would hear from you. Are you always up this early?</i>
</p><p>Guillermo checked the time and groaned. It was shortly past 6:30 in the morning. He hadn’t even realized. </p><p><i>You know. Early bird gets the worm haha. </i>Were his nerves apparent even in text form? When he didn’t immediately receive a response Guillermo sent another text. <i>Sorry, I work nights. </i></p><p><i>So do I, </i>came the response. </p><p>
  <i>Oh, yeah. Of course. I met you at work. At night. </i>
</p><p>Miguel sent back a cute little ghost emoji. Guillermo smiled. <i>How are you doing today, Guillermo? </i></p><p>
  <i>Good. How about you? </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Better now that I'm talking to you. What are your plans for the day? </i>
</p><p>The messaging back-and-forth continued on and off throughout the morning while Guillermo completed his daily chores. By lunchtime, Guillermo felt confident that he could ask Miguel out for coffee. He figured since they both worked nights, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for Miguel to stop by a café before his shift.</p><p>
  <i>Want to grab a drink before work?</i>
</p><p>Guillermo was thrilled to see an encouraging <i>Sure!</i> follow the three floating dots on his screen.<br/>
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</p><p>They sat down together that evening in a small café off Page Street. Miguel seemed to completely ignore his coffee. Instead, he leaned across the table, resting his chin in the palm of his hand, and looked at Guillermo with rapt attention. Guillermo swallowed. He wasn’t used to being looked at that way.</p><p>“So… <i>Dime de tu,</i>” Miguel said, his silky dark locks falling across his face. Guillermo was happy to oblige.</p><p>The conversation soon turned back to Miguel, who spoke at length about his old dog. “It was rough, you know?” he said, toying with a napkin, “I mean physically rough too—I don’t know if you’ve ever tried burying a dog in the New York winter but, well, it’s not easy.”</p><p>Guillermo nodded, knowing full well what he meant. “The trick is insulation.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” asked Miguel.</p><p>“Oh, well you know those rolls of insulation you use for construction? They’re about thirty dollars. If you lay them over a small hole in the ground for half an hour, you would, um, could be able to dig a pretty decent grave.” Guillermo sipped his coffee quickly and lowered his gaze.</p><p>Miguel grinned. “Why would an assistant know how to dig a grave? Is there something you’re not telling me, Guillermo?”</p><p>“No!” he insisted, probably a little too forcefully. “The grave digging doesn’t have anything to do with being an assistant. I’ve had a couple of pets… Dogs. Cats. Rabbits. I have bad luck with animals. Lots of pet funerals for me.” </p><p>“Relax, Guillermo,” Miguel purred, leaning forward to place a comforting hand on Guillermo’s forearm. “I was just teasing you.” </p><p>“Oh,” Guillermo breathed, taking a long sip of his drink. He chuckled into the cup. “Right. Of course.” </p><p>“Your boss seems interesting,” Miguel observed. Guillermo fiddled with his glasses. “I’ve never seen someone dress like that. And I couldn’t quite place his accent. Where is he from?” </p><p>“Southern Iran. He’s…” Guillermo trailed off, trying to think of an explanation about who Nandor was or why he would need an assistant. “He’s actually a retired foreign diplomat.” </p><p>“Wow!” Miguel exclaimed. “That’s very impressive,” he mused, and Guillermo felt a pang of guilt for lying. </p><p>They continued to chat, and Guillermo found that once he got past the initial awkwardness, talking to Miguel was easy. </p><p>“So, manager at CVS, huh? How did you get into that?”</p><p>“Yes, manager,” Miguel chuckled. “It’s a good job, but it’s not my passion.” </p><p>“What is your passion?” Guillermo asked. </p><p>“Dead bodies.” </p><p>Guillermo laughed nervously. Miguel looked very serious. “Dead bodies?” Guillermo was starting to feel a pit in his stomach. Maybe Nandor was right to be suspicious of Miguel after all. </p><p>“Yes! I study mortuary science!” Miguel smiled widely, eyes glimmering as he began to discuss his studies. “I’m taking classes during the day at the McAllister Institute. You know, people think that being a mortician is a bit of a macabre job, but what we do is important. We’re there to make sure that people’s loved ones are put to rest in the best way possible.”</p><p>Guillermo felt the tension leave him as relief settled in. That was far less sinister than what he had anticipated. “That school is pretty far, huh? Lots of commuting.” </p><p>“Oh, it’s only about 40 minutes by car. Plus I don’t have classes every day.” </p><p>Guillermo sighed wistfully. “Oh, to have a car,” he breathed. “I take the bus everywhere I go.” </p><p>“Well, maybe sometime I could give you a ride,” Miguel purred, emphasizing the final word with a sly smile. He glanced at his watch and frowned. “But for now, <i>cariño,</i> I have to say goodbye. CVS awaits.” </p><p>“Oh, but you didn’t even finish your coffee,” Guillermo noted, disappointed that the date was over. It was nice to speak to someone who didn’t condescend to him for once. It was nice to have someone pay attention to him, and really care about what he had to say. </p><p>An unreadable expression passed over Miguel’s face. “Yeah, I guess I wasn’t very thirsty,” he explained. "For coffee, that is," he added with a flirtatious wink.</p><p>Guillermo felt his cheeks become flushed and he smiled shyly. “When can I see you again?” he asked, trying but failing miserably not to sound too desperate.</p><p>Miguel seemed to take it in stride, flashing him an easy smile. “Whenever you want. Text me, okay?” he asked, standing up from his chair. Guillermo stood up, too, tugging down the hem of his sweater nervously. </p><p>“Okay. I will. I will text you.” </p><p>“Good. <i>Hasta luego,</i> Guillermo,” Miguel said before stepping close and bending down to press a delicate kiss on Guillermo’s cheek. </p><p>Guillermo was overwhelmed with his cologne. Underneath, there was the faintest trace of a sour decaying smell, which must have been from his classes, Guillermo reasoned. He didn't realize until he was halfway home how cold Miguel's lips had felt against his skin, not unlike the feeling of Nandor’s body against his when his master had spent the night caring for his fever. He felt a pang of guilt. Nandor had asked him not to see Miguel, and he had blatantly disobeyed him. Although, Nandor had no right to control Guillermo's personal life. He'd given up most of his life to serving Nandor. He <i>deserved</i> this.</p><p>Guillermo became quickly enamored with Miguel and it wasn’t hard to understand why. Not only did the man look like the spitting image of his beloved Armand from <i>Interview with the Vampire</i>, but Miguel was everything Guillermo could have hoped for in a man. He was charming, attentive, and funny, and was actually interested in Guillermo back. They went on two more dates in one week. </p><p>Miguel did have his eccentricities, seeing as he was never really hungry or thirsty, and he seemed perhaps a bit too eager about his schoolwork at times. But, didn’t everyone have eccentricities? Guillermo himself was hiding that he was actually a familiar to a 758-year-old vampire. Not to mention all of the bodies he regularly dismantled and buried in the backyard. </p><p>Nandor, on the other hand, was not extraordinarily excited with his familiar’s behavior as of late. </p><p>“What are you always typing on that tiny computer machine, Guillermo?” he asked. Guillermo nearly jumped out of his skin. He was dusting and trying to text without being noticed, but apparently his sneaking skills needed a little honing. </p><p>“Oh, just… Googling. Googling lots of stuff.” </p><p>Nandor frowned. “What are you asking the Mr. Google about? I hope you are not telling him any of our secrets.” </p><p>“No, no! Nothing like that. I just search things like… How do I dust? What’s the best cleaning product to use to get caked-in shit off of a velvet cape? You know, stuff like that.” </p><p>“Hm. I see,” Nandor mused, squinting. “And does Mr. Google explain how to get caked-in shit off of a velvet cape?” </p><p>“Yes. He has all sorts of tricks up his sleeve.” </p><p>“So then why is there still all of this caked-in shit on my velvet cape, Guillermo?” Nandor hissed. </p><p>“I just haven’t gotten the right product yet! Mr. Google recommended this very specific cleaning product that you can only get at certain stores. I’m actually on my way to go get it now.” Guillermo explained nervously. He had a date with Miguel at the Panera Bread on Veterans Road, and he was due to pick Guillermo up any minute now. </p><p>“How about I go with you then, Guillermo? It’s been a while since we went on an errand together.” </p><p>“No!” he protested. Nandor looked at him suspiciously. “Don’t bother. You aren’t supposed to waste your time going to the store. That’s my job. I’ll go alone. It will probably take me… a couple of hours,” he said, sparing a glance at his phone. There was one unread message from Miguel.</p><p>“A couple of hours to go to the store?” Nandor pressed.</p><p>“It’s on the other side of the island.” </p><p>“Alright, then,” Nandor acquiesced, still squinting. “You can take the money to pay for it from the dish in my room where I keep the money.” Guillermo wasn’t certain, but it sounded almost as if Nandor was disappointed that he had declined his invitation for company.</p><p>“Thank you, Master,” Guillermo responded before scurrying out of the house, completely forgetting to grab the money from the money dish. </p><p>Nandor crept to the front door, opening it slightly, only to see Guillermo climbing into the passenger seat of a Honda Civic. He knew it! Guillermo had been far too excited to be talking to Mr. Google all of this time. He must be sneaky sneaking around with that My-ghoul man, and Nandor did not care for it. </p><p>He was worried for his familiar. The thought of some wretched ghoul feasting on the ‘car-cass’ of Guillermo filled him with horror. He had to save him, lest he find his familiar replaced by some corpse-eating monster. He shouted for Laszlo. “I need my head ripping gloves! Where are they?”</p><p>Nadja ran into the room with an excited smile. “Ooh, who are you planning on ripping the head off of tonight? Did you and Laszlo scramble another stupid neighbor man’s brain again?” </p><p>Nandor hissed. “No. It is that Mike. Guillermo has gone off in a chariot with him.” </p><p>“Guillermo is going off with Fucking Mike?” Laszlo asked, walking into the room brandishing Nandor’s head ripping gloves. “I say, old chap, he may throw terrible orgies, but does he really deserve to have his head ripped off? Isn’t the shame enough?”</p><p>“No!” Nandor stomped his foot. “Not that Mike. The other Mike. The ghoulish Mike from the VCS on Page Street.” </p><p>“I thought you forbade him from seeing him,” leveled Nadja with a sneer. “Are you losing control of your little familiar?”</p><p>“No, I am not losing control!” Nandor whined. “That filthy ghoul must have used some kind of witch’s love spell on him!”</p><p>“Love spell?” Nadja perked up at this. “He’s just a familiar, Nandor. If he’s going to be so bloody disrespectful, I say let him go get eaten by this other Mike.”</p><p>“Enough of this! I have a head to rip off!” Nandor grabbed the gloves from Laszlo and swirled out of the house.</p><p>“If you ask me,” Laszlo said to his sweet lady wife. “I’d say that Nandor’s gone soft on Guillermo.”</p><p>Nadja gagged. “And Guillermo is even more pitiful than we thought if he is going off with Fucking Mike.” </p><p>“Indeed, my sweet. What say we make the most of an empty house and I slip into my denim and toothpick?” </p><p>“Oh, Laszlo!” Nadja giggled and raced back towards their crypt.<br/>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Meanwhile, Guillermo was fiddling with his seat belt. “How was your day?” he asked amicably.  </p><p>The swell of Camille Saint-Saëns’ <i>Danse Macabre</i> filled the small car. “I love this waltz,” they said in unison. Guillermo giggled despite himself. “Wow, I never met anyone who liked music like this before.”</p><p>“It’s just so…” Miguel tapped the steering wheel, pondering while they were stuck at a red light. “...macabre, for lack of a better word. I’m fine, by the way,” he said in response to Guillermo’s question. “Even better now I’m with you.”</p><p>Suddenly there was a thump, like a small animal hitting the roof of the car. Guillermo let out a manly shriek.</p><p>“What?” Miguel asked, voice full of something that Guillermo couldn’t quite place. “Are you alright?”</p><p>“It was just that noise. It startled me. Must have been a bird flying into the roof of the car or something.” A bird? Hitting a car at night? It sounded ridiculous, but one smile from Miguel had Guillermo forgetting all about it. He searched for a new topic of discussion.</p><p>“So I hope this isn’t rude, but I noticed a few shovels in your backseat?” Guillermo blurted out. </p><p>“Don’t worry, <i>mi querido,</i>” Miguel purred, taking one of his hands off of the steering wheel and reaching over the center console to place it on Guillermo’s thigh. Guillermo’s eyes widened at the brazen move. “I promise I am not a crazy axe murderer. We use them in one of my classes.”</p><p>“Of course,” Guillermo breathed, relieved. How silly of him to be suspicious of Miguel! He had spent too long with the vampires. Sometimes a shovel was just a shovel, and not evidence of a cover-up in a grisly murder.</p><p>There was a faint, angry hissing noise from atop the car, but it was drowned out by the sound of violins playing from the stereo. Guillermo hummed along to the music and fantasized about dancing with Miguel.</p><p>As the song neared its crescendo, Miguel lightly squeezed Guillermo’s thigh and flashed a dazzling smile. “We’re almost there.”</p><p>“I can’t wait to eat some mac and cheese,” Guillermo said excitedly. “What do you think you’ll order?” he pressed, wondering if his date would finally be hungry enough to eat something. </p><p>“Hmm,” Miguel said ponderously. “I can think of at least one thing,” he said, giving Guillermo a pointed look.</p><p>Guillermo flushed and looked away. “Oh, there we are,” he said nervously. Suddenly the attention felt almost too much. He wasn’t used to such open flirtation. He wasn’t used to flirtation in general if he was being honest with himself.</p><p>Miguel pulled into an empty parking space. A slight scratching noise drew Guillermo’s attention, again, to the roof of the car. When he climbed out and looked, however, he could see nothing but Miguel’s smiling face waiting for him on the driver’s side.</p><p>“Shall we, <i>mi cielo?</i>” Miguel asked, holding out his arm. </p><p>Guillermo smiled and took his arm, reveling in the dramatics of it all. He could almost pretend they were walking into some fancy, five star restaurant together, rather than Panera Bread. </p><p>He was oblivious to the angry hissing coming from the shadows behind Miguel’s car as they walked into the restaurant.</p><p>Guillermo walked up to the counter and ordered, turning to Miguel to ask him what he wanted. “I’ll just have a coffee,” he explained to the cashier and Guillermo frowned. Another date spent eating alone. He really hoped Miguel didn’t have some kind of strange fetish thing, watching people eat. Maybe he had a secret feeding kink, and he wanted to buy Guillermo so many dinners that he became bedridden like the people on TLC. </p><p>Miguel flashed him a gentle smile as they walked to the counter to wait for Guillermo’s food. On second thought, maybe Guillermo was getting ahead of himself. Miguel wrapped his arm around Guillermo’s waist while they waited. Outside, a muffled, angry shriek was drowned out by a passing car horn. Once Guillermo’s food was ready, they walked to a table near the windows and sat down. Conversation flowed easily between them, even if Guillermo felt uncomfortable that he was the only one eating. </p><p>He was laughing at something Miguel had said when suddenly he heard a scream from another patron in the restaurant. A fiery glow appeared in his periphery, and he snapped his head to look. One of the bushes outside had spontaneously burst into flames, and the restaurant erupted into chaos. Middle-aged women and their children were screaming and running for the exit. An entire table full of little league baseball players celebrating their only win of the season began to cry in fear. </p><p>“I think we should probably go now,” Guillermo said, not wanting to be trampled to death by a pack of frightened eight-year-olds, their tiny baseball cleats pummeling him into the linoleum floor of the Panera Bread. </p><p>“Yes, I think that is wise,” Miguel answered, flinching at the sight of the flames that were now threateningly close to the building. </p><p>They shuffled to Miguel’s car. Once safely inside away from the stampede of fleeing white people, Guillermo allowed himself to relax. He watched as one woman with an inverted bob haircut scrambled to get her son into their minivan and muttered, “Those <i>bolillos!</i>” under his breath. Miguel chuckled, causing Guillermo to smile back at him. It was nice to have someone who understood him, instead of yelling at him for speaking in tongues.</p><p>Guillermo frowned and said, “I guess you can drive me home, then.” </p><p>Miguel looked almost angry, the corners of his beautiful mouth downturned. “But the night is so young! Let us not have it ruined by a clumsy arsonist, hm?“ </p><p>“I guess you’re right,” Guillermo mused. “What did you have in mind?”</p><p>Miguel smiled devilishly. “Let’s be like a couple of teenagers! I can drive to the parking lot of the abandoned Circuit City, and we can turn up the classical music.” His voice dropped an octave and Guillermo felt his face grow warm.</p><p>“O-Okay,” he stammered. However this night ended, it would certainly be one to remember. </p><p>Miguel threw the car into reverse and stepped on it, nearly backing into a panicky soccer mom’s crossover. “Oopsie,” he said, flashing Guillermo a sly smile. “I’m just very excited to get you alone, <i>mi bombón.</i>” Something in his tone made Guillermo a little on edge, but he figured that was probably just butterflies. He may not go on a lot of dates, but he knew what driving to an abandoned parking lot meant. </p><p>Guillermo returned the smile. Again, there was a noise like an angry pigeon slamming against the roof of Miguel’s car, but Guillermo couldn’t hear it over the sound of his anxious heartbeat.</p><p>Miguel drove around until he found the abandoned parking lot. The once busy electronics store was now boarded up and covered in graffiti. A tall chain link fence surrounded the property, but was mostly knocked down to the ground.</p><p>“Wow, this sure is...private,” Guillermo said nervously. “You know, I’ve never actually, um, ‘parked’ before.” </p><p>“Shh,” Miguel purred, pressing a cool finger to Guillermo’s lips. “No more talking now.” He leaned in across the center console and Guillermo’s eyes fluttered closed. Miguel nuzzled his cheek, and Guillermo sighed contentedly. But then Miguel’s cool hand gripped him sharply by the neck and Guillermo’s eyes flew open. He felt the sensation of teeth grazing against his skin. The smell of decay was overwhelming.</p><p>“Miguel,” he panted, fear mounting. “You’re scaring me.” </p><p>“Don’t worry, <i>mi pequeno tentempié.</i> This won’t last long,” Miguel growled, his face changed into a ghastly, inhuman shape. Guillermo opened his mouth to scream, but was so paralyzed by fear that he couldn’t make a sound. </p><p>Suddenly, there was a crash as an arm punched through the driver’s side window. Guillermo let out another masculine shriek as Miguel was dragged from the car. He struggled with his seat belt and tumbled out onto the ground to see Miguel being held aloft by a cloaked figure.</p><p>“I am Nandor the Relentless, conqueror of thousands, immortal warrior who has twice turned the Euphrates red with blood… and I think it is very rude of you to try to eat my familiar, you ghoul!” Nandor growled menacingly, holding Miguel by the neck with one massive gloved hand. </p><p>Guillermo breathed a sigh of relief, clambering to his feet. “Master!” he gasped. “Thank God you’re here!” </p><p>Nandor hissed. “Guillermo, you know I don’t like that word.” he scolded. </p><p>“Thank goodness you’re here!” he corrected himself. “Sorry.” </p><p>“It’s all right,” Nandor conceded. “I will forgive you this time.”</p><p>“Thank you, Master,” Guillermo said with a shaky smile.</p><p>Miguel hung in the air throughout this exchange, snarling and flailing. Guillermo stared in horror as the once handsome man melted into a bloated, twisted creature with sharp, black teeth and glowing red eyes. </p><p>“Do you see what I mean now, Guillermo?” Nandor questioned tauntingly. “This My-ghoul would have eaten you if it weren’t for me setting fire to the Panera Bread and following his chariot to this abandoned Circuit City! What did you think you were doing, coming out here all alone?” </p><p>“Well,” Guillermo frowned. How to explain how it felt to be the center of attention, to feel like he was truly cared for? He kicked the asphalt with his foot. He thought about Nandor caring for him while he was ill and wondered if now was an appropriate time to voice his gratitude.</p><p>“I thought he liked me,” Guillermo said sadly. “It gets kinda lonely during the day when it’s just me.”</p><p>“Well, then get a pet worm, Guillermo. Go fishing in the cans of Campy Bell’s for one. You don’t need to go diving into the dumpster for ghoul friends.”</p><p>“Miguel was more than just my friend!” he blurted, close to tears. Nandor looked at him sharply, and Guillermo immediately regretted saying anything.</p><p>“He wanted to eat you, Guillermo!” Nandor scoffed in disbelief. </p><p>“So did you! You literally eat people all the time!” </p><p>“That is different!” Nandor hissed. “I would never eat you, Guillermo, no matter how tasty you look.” </p><p>The ghoul had stopped snarling and was instead dangling limply in Nandor’s grip, enraptured with their conversation, his grotesque head darting back and forth as they quarreled. </p><p>“You know,” Miguel started, his voice no longer a gentle purr. His accent had morphed into something grating and vaguely foreign, and the sound was like nails on a chalkboard. It was like a watered down Scottish accent with a healthy dose of ghoulishness. “If I could speak—”</p><p>Nandor tightened his grip on his throat. Miguel made a strangled noise and kicked his legs.</p><p>“No, I want to know what he has to say,” Guillermo yelled, feeling dangerously contrarian. Almost becoming a ghoul’s dinner had had an emboldening effect on him, it seemed. </p><p>“Speak, ghoul,” Nandor hissed, loosening his grip on Miguel just enough for him to talk. Guillermo waited with bated breath to see what his almost boyfriend-turned-ghoul could possibly have to say. </p><p>“I was just going to say that Guillermo was such an easy target,” the ghoul formerly known as Miguel taunted. “And do you want to know why?” Guillermo glared at the ghoul. He wasn’t easy! He’d been waiting until at least the fourth date. “All he wanted was someone to pay attention to him, to listen to him and make him feel wanted. You know what he talked about the most?”</p><p>“Maybe you should just rip his head off, Master,” Guillermo interrupted, guessing where this conversation was headed. </p><p>Nandor appraised the disgusting creature in his grasp. “No, I think I will let the creepy creep ghoul continue to do the talky talky.” </p><p>“You guys are really weird, do you know that?” Miguel scoffed. “And I’m a fucking ghoul.” </p><p>“Shut up, <i>pendejo!</i>” Guillermo spat.</p><p>“Again with the speaking in tongues!” Nandor scolded. “Go on, Mister Creepy Creep.”</p><p>“Thank you,” the ghoul inclined his head in gratitude. Perhaps if he kept them talking long enough, he could convince them to let him go.</p><p>“He talked about you,” Miguel said, jabbing a knobbly finger in Nandor’s direction. Nandor made a disgusted face at the filthy talon waving in front of his nose. “It was ‘my Master’ this, and ‘he never appreciates me’ that, and ‘do you know how hard I work for him?’”</p><p>Nandor looked at Guillermo sadly. “Is this true, Guillermo? You rambled about your feelings to this creepy creep ghoul? I bet he isn’t even very good at pretending to listen.” </p><p>“Oh, because you are so good at listening!” Guillermo snapped.</p><p>Nandor looked affronted. “You’ve never complained before!”</p><p>“Yes I have! You just don’t remember because you weren’t listening! You never listen to me!” He was shrieking again, causing Nandor to wince at the shrill tone.</p><p>“Again, you two are very strange, even for me. A fucking ghoul. Lots of unresolved sexual tension between you two, eh? It’s enough to make a ghoul feel a little jealous. C’mon, guys. I’m right here.” </p><p>Nandor pushed back his lips in a snarl. “Guillermo, will you be upset if I rip its head off now?”</p><p>“You really have to rip his head off?” Guillermo asked sadly. Miguel was a ghoul, sure, but they had shared some good times. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to see his almost-boyfriend being decapitated, even if Nandor was kind of sexy in his head ripping gloves. </p><p>“I’m just saying, you two need to get a coffin already,” said Miguel. “Your boy was so desperate and horny he was about to bone me in the Circuit City parking lot! In my Honda Civic! Can you imagine losing your virginity in the backseat of a Honda Civic in an abandoned Circuit City parking lot in Staten Island to a fucking ghoul?”</p><p>Guillermo set his jaw. “Do it, Master.”</p><p>Nandor obeyed, but only because he already wanted to rip the ghoul’s head off. Not because his familiar had asked.</p><p>“Any last words, Mr. Creepy Ghoul?” </p><p>“How about, please let me go?” the ghoul offered.</p><p>“Hm. Not the most creative last sentiments I’ve ever heard, but, you know. We all have our off days. Let me think about it… Mmm, no. Ok, rippy rippy time!”</p><p>With a horrible tearing sound, Nandor wrenched the ghoul’s head clear from his shoulders. Nandor laughed, eyes wide with manic glee. It had been so long since he'd gotten got to use his head ripping gloves, and after being teased with the idea of using them on Sean, his fingers had been positively aching to slip into them once again. The body hit the ground with a wet thud, and Nandor tossed the head around, miming a dunking motion, channeling his heroes Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, and Ewing.</p><p>Guillermo was caught between being disgusted and awed by Nandor’s show of strength. In the end, his disgust won out, and he emptied the meager amount of Panera mac and cheese he had gotten to eat (before Nandor set fire to the place and he was nearly trampled by the white women) onto the pavement.</p><p>“Oh no. You are not getting sick again, are you Guillermo?” Nandor asked, teeth bared in disgust.</p><p>“No,” Guillermo breathed, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. “Just not used to seeing my exes’ heads ripped from their bodies.” Not that he had exes. Miguel was really the <i>only</i> ex, and he probably didn’t even count, but Guillermo wasn’t about to explain that to his Master. </p><p>Nandor slowly approached, removing his gloves and holding them delicately in the one spot not covered in sticky black blood. </p><p>“Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from all this, Guillermo.”</p><p>“What lesson is that, sir?” Guillermo asked. Nandor was beginning to walk away from the rapidly decomposing corpse. Guillermo gagged again and covered his mouth to block some of the stench, falling into step behind him.</p><p>“I am always right, and you should never disobey me!” </p><p>“Alright, fine,” Guillermo agreed sadly, the weight of the evening’s events settling in. He slumped as he walked. He had to pause to take off his glasses and rub at his eyes to stop the prickling tears from falling down his face. </p><p>“Guillermo?” Nandor asked softly. “Are you crying?</p><p>“No, Master,” Guillermo sniffed. “The smell is just getting to me,” he lied.</p><p>“Guillermo,” Nandor pronounced slowly. “I know you said I am not always good at listening, but I want you to know I am listening now.” He stopped and turned to face Guillermo, his expression gentle.</p><p>Guillermo was disarmed by the soothing timbre of his master’s voice, and he could no longer fight back the tears. “It was just nice to have someone really care for once. Well, I guess in the end, he just wanted to eat me, and isn’t that just my luck?...” Guillermo shrugged tearfully.</p><p>“Guillermo,” Nandor said thickly, followed by a long pause. “I do care about you.”</p><p>Guillermo scoffed bitterly, tears continuing to streak down his face. “It’s hard to tell, you know. Your actions don’t exactly support that,” he sniffled. </p><p>“Well perhaps now I can show you. I know that the last time it did not go so well for you, Guillermo, but I promise not to drop you a second time, because it only happened once,” he insisted.  “If you’ll let me...” Nandor trailed off, holding out his hand. </p><p>“Oh, <i>Master</i>,” Guillermo breathed reverently. “You and I both know you’ve dropped me more than once, but I’d love to go flying again.” </p><p>Nandor chose to ignore Guillermo’s comment and instead stepped behind him, the head ripping gloves shoved somewhere within his cape. “Are you ready, Guillermo?” he asked.</p><p>“Yes, Master!” Guillermo whispered excitedly, tears long forgotten.</p><p>With a whoop, Nandor took off with ease and they flew off together into the night.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/>
Guillermo negotiated the front door to the house, arms full of groceries and a large, cumbersome box. It had been one whole week since the ghoul showdown in the Circuit City parking lot, and once the initial sting wore off, Guillermo realized how truly appreciative he was of Nandor coming to his rescue. </p><p>He’d still had to wash the head ripping gloves, and he’d earned another two demerit points for directly disobeying his master, but the demerit points were beginning to lose their weight. He had honestly lost count of them in his head, and was fairly sure Nandor didn’t keep track of how many he had given him, either. </p><p>Though they hadn’t openly discussed any of the points Miguel had raised, something had changed between them since that fateful night. Nandor was bothering to listen, most of the time, for a start. He’d even gone so far as to ask how Guillermo’s day had been, at one point, though he hadn’t seemed to take much interest in the answer. Still, progress was progress, and change came slow to a seven-centuries-old being.</p><p>With all of that in mind, Guillermo felt his master deserved a token of his appreciation. </p><p>“Guillermo?” Nandor called from the fancy room. “Is that you crashing and bashing out there?” There was little malice in his tone. </p><p>“Yes, Master,” Guillermo replied. He balanced the box under one arm and entered the fancy room. Nandor was sitting alone in his favorite wingback chair, idly polishing the hilt of a dagger.</p><p>“What is all this, Guillermo?” he said, waving the dagger in his familiar’s general direction.</p><p>“I got you something, Master,” Guillermo rocked on his heels, suddenly nervous.</p><p>“Well, stop fooling around over there and give it to me!” Nandor set down the dagger and eagerly reached out his hands. His dark eyes were glittering with anticipation, and his fangs were bared in a smile. </p><p>Guillermo handed over the box, and Nandor tore the white plastic bag off of it. He grimaced in disgust. “A… a chamber pot? What need would I have for this, Guillermo?” He glanced up at his familiar, who looked crestfallen. “Thank… you? For the chamber pot?” </p><p>“No, no, it’s not a chamber pot,” Guillermo said quickly, trying his very hardest not to laugh. “It’s a foot spa!”</p><p>“Oh, <i>Guillermo,</i>” he breathed appreciatively, turning the box the right way up. “You remembered that I wanted the tiny bathtub for your feet!” </p><p>Guillermo flushed with pride. “Do you want me to set it up for you, Master?”</p><p>Nandor pursed his lips before standing up from his fancy chair and shoving his familiar down into it. “No. You said you wanted someone to appreciate you, Guillermo, so I am going to appreciate you by letting you take a little foot bath first!” </p><p>“Thank you, Master,” Guillermo gasped in awe, looking up at Nandor with wide eyes. </p><p>“Prepare yourself, Guillermo,” Nandor announced gleefully before grabbing the box and leaving the room with it. Guillermo took off his shoes and socks in a daze. He pressed a hand to his forehead. Surely, he must be dreaming. Did he have another fever?</p><p>Nandor returned holding the foot spa, precariously balancing it so as not to spill any of the nice, hot water he had filled it with. He set it on the floor by Guillermo’s feet, hissing in frustration as some of the water sloshed out and soaked the carpet. </p><p>“That’s okay, Master,” Guillermo reassured, noting Nandor’s frustration. “It’s just water. No big deal.” </p><p>“You are right, Guillermo,” Nandor murmured appreciatively. “Now do you happen to have any of the salts that make the water smell good? The smelly salts?” </p><p>“Yes, Master,” Guillermo said, reaching for the plastic grocery bag. He offered the package of Epsom salts to Nandor, who proceeded to rip into the bag and pour a generous amount into the tub. Guillermo looked down at the water tentatively. Was it steaming a <i>lot?</i> </p><p>“What are you waiting for, Guillermo?” Nandor asked with a hint of disappointment. “Please, put your feet in the bathtub so you can know that I appreciate you!” </p><p>Guillermo slowly lowered his feet into the water and let out a yelp. “What is it, Guillermo?” Nandor panicked. </p><p>“Oh, you know… I’m just so overwhelmed with emotion,” Guillermo explained through clenched teeth. The water was <i>scalding.</i> “It’s just…” he hissed. “So very nice to be appreciated like this.” </p><p>“Goody!” Nandor clapped excitedly. “I can tell you are really enjoying yourself by the gleam of the tears in your eyes.”</p><p>Guillermo wiped his cheeks with his sweater sleeve. His feet were lobster red already, but Guillermo didn’t dare take them out and risk hurting Nandor’s feelings. “I’m just… so grateful,” he whispered. </p><p>“Enjoy it, Guillermo,” Nandor said, his dark eyes shining with satisfaction at his good deed. “You earned it!” </p><p>Guillermo nodded mutely. In his agony, he reverted to his Catholic upbringing and began praying the rosary out loud in Spanish. </p><p>“Oh, what does that mean, Guillermo?”</p><p>“It’s Spanish… just… explaining how thankful I am.” </p><p>Nandor beamed. “I am feeling so generous tonight, Guillermo, that I think I will let you take your little foot bath for a long time, so you can really relish it! And I will only add one demerit point to your record for the ghoul incident.” </p><p>“<i>Wow</i>…” Guillermo breathed. “That’s… really considerate of you, Master. Thank you.” </p><p>“No, thank <i>you,</i> Guillermo,” said Nandor, and he relaxed into the chair opposite Guillermo, settling in to watch his familiar and revel in the benevolence of his gesture.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! Be sure to subscribe to our series for more works like this in the future!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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